My life is not a romance novel

I just need to talk this out. So I removed The Marine from my IM because quite frankly, I don't want to have to deal with seeing him online and being tempted to say hello, etc. This has been good. I've been moving on, getting over him, kissing other men, etc. And then he IMed me today - guess he hasn't removed me. So he says hello, he's back in Iraq and has to go. Typical short IM conversation - how are you, etc. that we used to have.

And now I hate myself. I don't want to get back into anything with him. My heart did this little pitter patter when I saw the IM was from him. I know he's broken up with the last girlfriend. I know I'd still jump him in a heartbeat. But I do not want to delude myself into thinking I mean something to him. I don't want to just be his pen pal and buddy for when he's overseas. I wanted a real relationship with him, the good, the bad and he walked away. I'm still mad that he walked away. And I'm still an idiot for hoping that this will turn out like some romance novel and he'll admit he was an idiot and fight for me, for us. But this is real life. That is not going to happen.

I've calmed down

I've taken some time to really think about the realtionship with The Marine. I wrote him a long letter, wrote out my feelings, diasappointment, how he broke my heart, etc. and feel much better. And no, I'm not sending it to him. I think I'm going to burn the letter. The conclusion was that I want him to stop being self destructive in realtionships because he deserves to let a good woman love him and really open himself a real realtionship.

And he broke up with Amy. Ha!

Which brings me to another point. I guess that "marry the next girl" curse is broken. I bounced that thoery off a couple of friends who did not like it. One friend, let's call him NavyMan (what can I say? I like 'em in uniform), nearly made me cry. He said he didn't want me thinking of myself as that girl because I'm not and I shouldn't think of myself that way. I wish he'd date me - try as I might - he won't do long-distance, which is sad because I really like him. Have for years.

I'm that girl

I'm that girl that guys date, dump for terrible reasons and then MARRY THE NEXT FUCKING GIRL THEY DATE!! I get it, they're just not that into me, but really my batting average is sucking right now. Last three boys I dated, from most recent to least recent:

* The Marine - see below. Dating some bitch.
* Auditor - Engaged in July. That didn't take long.
* Former Crack Addict - Married in August to my former BFF whom he dumped me to date.

Well, the good news for the Marine is that he's headed towards wedded bliss. The good news for me is that I know my place in the dating universe. Unmarriagable men - Date me! The next ones sure to work out great!

Must re-think purpose of this blog. Must re-think me.

Damn it, Damn it, Damn it

The Marine has moved on. He's dating some bimbo named Amy. Bitch. Ok, I don't know if she is or not, but ARG! I hate this. I'm still in love with him! This is not fair. And he admitted he pulled away from me as a defensive move. There was absolutely nothing I could do to save the relationship. And to think, I was going to call and wish him luck in Iraq. Well, not now. Amy can wish him all the luck he'll need.

Why can't I get over him? I want to be the bigger person, forgive him and be open to other relationships. Maybe this is the final straw. Maybe my heart will get the message that my brain has been trying to send for four months. It's done. He and I are not going to happen. I feel stupid. A year of my heart has been wasted on him.

This has to be over.

a shoulder to cry on

WYNAA I could fall asleep in your arms and not have to be so tough.

Suprise vacations

WYNAA perhaps a suprise weekend in vegas would be on the menu. To bad for you. :-)

getting sweaty

WYNAA you could be enjoying sweaty workouts on the erg. Or on the back seat of your car.

Home cooked meals

WYNAA you could be eating home cooked meals such as lasagna and having delicious leftovers to take to work. Instead, you can eat your way through a Costco sized case of mac and cheese.

You're the Inspiration

When I met The Marine in August of '06, I thought I'd finally met my match. He was cute, smart, driven and for some reason couldn't keep his hands off of me. Too bad that happened two weeks before he deployed for Iraq, for the 4th time. But not to be daunted by a challenge of a war, I was willing to see what happened. And he promised I would see him when he got back.

The Marine emailed, IMed and kept in touch weekly for the deployment. I sent numerous letters, amazing care packages and counted down the days until he returned. The big day arrived in April and, well, nothing happened. That was it. I was dropped fast and without reason. Did this shatter my fragile sense of security in a relationship? More than I care to admit.

Now he leaves for Iraq again, for the 5th time, in a few weeks. And I'm still single, walls up and going through what I'm calling the "angry pissed off" stage. I miss our friendship, sending him letters, talking to him. Instead of wasting my energy on him or any other man that can't see me for the amazing, wonderful woman I am, this blog is all things a man would be getting from me - were they not an asshole.